Aiding Your Child’s Science Education

A good science education is not limited to the wall’s of your child’s school. There is a lot you can do as a parent to foster your child’s interest in science and encourage success in the classroom. Supportive parents are an essential component to successful students, especially when it comes to math and science. 

In recent years, the U.S. has started to lag behind other nations in standardized test scores for math and science. While this is not the only measure of success in the sciences, it is an important factor to consider. In an interview with CNN, Michigan State University Distinguished Professor Bill Schmidt mentions the attitudes of American parents as one of the three main factors American students are falling behind the rest of the world on science-based standardized tests, “in this country, parents accept the fact… Well, in other countries, they just don't accept that. They believe that it's important for all children to learn mathematics and science, and that they can learn mathematics and science." (http://articles.cnn.com/2011-05-12/us/education.schmidt_1_science-education-international-tests-mathematics?_s=PM:US)

Luckily, there are a lot of things you can do to help your child succeed when it comes to his or her science education. The Department of Education has a helpful guide for parents who want to foster science education, including this important reminder, “Scientific knowledge is cumulative: To learn new things, you must build on what you already know. So, it's important that your child start learning early—and at home.” http://www2.ed.gov/parents/academic/help/science/part_pg4.html#p4

As your children grow and enter school, there are a number of ways you can continue to stay involved and encourage your children to learn more on their own. The National Science Teachers Association offers an in-depth look (http://www.nsta.org/sciencematters/tips.aspx) at a few of the things busy parents can do to aid their children’s science education, including:

  • Lead family discussions on science-related topics. 
  • Explore nonformal education sites. 
  • Connect science with a family vacation. 
  • Become active in your children's formal education by getting to know the teacher and the curriculum. 
  • Show excitement for science.

Many parents who are not well-versed in science themselves, want to help their children’s education, but do not know where to start. There is no need to fear. There are a lot of resources out there to help parents who want to help their children succeed in math and science. 

The organization ESTEME (Excellence in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics Education) has this helpful list of resources: http://www.esteme.org/Families/index.html. The science-fair project website Science Buddies (http://www.sciencebuddies.org/science-fair-projects/parent_resources.shtml?From=Tab) has a lot of useful tips for parents, including this important reminder, “If you think you need to know a lot about science to help your children with their science fair project, relax, because you don’t! Offering support and encouragement, proofreading research papers, and attending the science fair are just a few ways you can make a difference.”

There are a lot of ways to aid your child’s science education. It starts with encouragement and goes wherever you want to take it. 

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May 2, 2012 Posted by In Featured, Opinions Tagged , , , Comments 1

Why Your Child’s Science Education Matters

As we grow to rely more on technology every day, the importance of science education becomes more evident. However, the role of technology in our lives is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the importance of a good science education. The more your child knows about science, the better he or she will be able to succeed in a changing world. 

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Apr 23, 2012 Posted by In Featured, Opinions Tagged , , , Comments 1

Hunger Games: An Opportunity for Relevant Discussion With Kids

If you don’t know The Hunger Games just arrived in theaters, then you probably also don’t have Internet access, so you don’t read Funderstanding. Or watch TV. Or read newspapers or books. Or have friends who do any of these things. Or talk to people who do any of these things.

So…yeah. Since we’ve already weeded out the uninformed, the culturally clueless, and the willfully unaware, we can speak freely.

Are you caught up in the fever induced by Suzanne Collins’ trilogy? Were you part of the record-setting masses that pre-ordered tickets weeks in advance for the debut film’s opening weekend? Did you help to make The Hunger Games the most downloaded Kindle book ever? Don’t be shy. In fact, resist the impulse to dismiss your visit to Panem as a guilty pleasure. Instead, take heart that you’re dipping into a story line and an imaginary world that offers rich food for thought to chew over with your students, peers, classmates, and children.

The story of Katniss, Peeta, Gale, and the rest of the inhabitants of the fictional nation of Panem is as disturbing as it is page-turning, and paints a bleak picture of a future society tenuously held together by fear, distrust, and a Darwinian survivalist ethos. Herewith, talking points to bring the themes of a bestselling-fantasy-trilogy-turned-blockbuster-box-office-event into a relevant classroom reference:

• The games of the title refer to a state-sponsored, Olympics-like spectacle in which young people are selected via a perverse lottery to represent their home districts in fight-to-the-death battle. Only one “player” will survive, and there are no rules. Kids killing kids is what Collins is describing. It’s true that this violence is not born of free will but rather a product of government decree, but it’s youth violence nonetheless, broadcast as entertainment for their countrymen. In one reading, it’s a depiction of reality-TV culture carried out to its most extreme and horrifying conclusion. In another reading, though, we have to wonder if our culture’s attitude toward violence and warfare in some ways leads to us turning on one another.

• Civil disobedience and community organizing to subvert and (ultimately) overthrow an oppressive totalitarian regime? In this theme, Collins’ creation seems like it could be ripped from the lead stories of CNN. In Catching Fire and Mockingjay, the second and third entries, respectively, in the trilogy, the citizens of Panem attempt to overcome the isolation and deprivation imposed on them by their government to communicate, organize, and rise up against a malevolent regime. Syria, Egypt, Occupy Wall Street: pretty much just pick a headline and let’s go – Current Events hour. The Panemites contrive a revolt without benefit of Twitter, Facebook, or even a credible system of news dissemination. While today’s citizenry can organize and mobilize electronically to effect change, the society depicted in The Hunger Games has to rely on more coded means of communication and problem-solving to forge a solidarity movement.

• The psychology and morality of war feature prominently. In the Arena, where the young people representing their home districts will fight to the death, the mindset of warriors (some reluctant, others bred for heroism or martyrdom) is explored in minute detail. We see the battlefield through the eyes of our heroine, Katniss, but we also empathize with her antagonists as they fight for their lives against those who, in another, better world, might have been her friends.

• Finally, apocalyptic fiction has always been and always will be a thriving market. There’s something oddly compelling about a dystopian allegory. Why? Why do we like to read about Worst Case Scenarios of humanity’s future? And what do we learn about the human condition by exploring these disaster scenes?

The Hunger Games is much more than a pop culture phenomenon. Or rather, it’s a popular phenomenon because it resonates with characters, messages, and questions that speak to us and demand our consideration. Not a mere popcorn movie or fluff novel, it’s a vehicle that explores meaningful issues in a way that speaks to all of us. Another opportunity for parents, teachers, and kids to connect to one another.

By Alison Minion. Alison is a freelance writer and editor, and a regular contributor to www.funderstanding.com. You can reach her with comments or story ideas at alison@funderstanding.com.

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Mar 26, 2012 Posted by In Featured, Parents Tagged , , Comments 6

Parenting 101: “Everyone is Doing the Best They Can”

My wife and I recently returned home after a two-month holiday in New Zealand and Australia. We came home with lots of wonderful memories. Interestingly, one less pleasant experience has stayed with me for weeks, both because it was so familiar and so unnecessary.

We had just concluded a three-day stay on the Sunshine Coast in Australia and were walking to a bus stop to begin our journey back to our daughter’s home in Brisbane. A mother with two young children was walking ahead of us. One of the kids was about five or six years old and epitomized the definition of “all boy.” He wasn’t simply walking. He was in perpetual motion, scurrying from here to there, constantly chatting, and clearly enjoying himself. Then it all fell apart.

Actually, all that really “fell” was his plastic container filled with candy, spilling its contents on the sidewalk. Almost before the candy hit the pavement, his mother screamed, “Now look what you’ve done! Why did you do that? Guess who won’t be enjoying any candy today?” This was accompanied by her dramatically swooping to the ground, picking up and examining the fallen candy, and throwing it violently to the ground, providing a final exclamation point to her comments.

I’m not sure I had ever witnessed metamorphosis before, but I’m pretty sure I witnessed it then. The young boy who moments before was so vibrant and full of energy, immediately appeared smaller, shoulders slumped forward, eyes cast downward, silent.

His mother must have noticed the change, too, and mistook it for early onset hearing loss. “Did you hear me?” she shouted. “Why did you do that?” Wisely, he offered no answer – for any answer would have been incorrect and an invitation for more vitriolic comments.

The human brain is amazing. We process information so rapidly. Ever notice that a dream lasting only a few minutes contains a full story? That’s what happened to me in the next ten seconds. My first thought was to confront the parent – my pathetic attempt to advocate for the child. “Are you crazy?” I wanted to ask. “How can any rational adult believe a child would deliberately drop his candy on the sidewalk? Clearly, your son had an accident. Give him a break, you screaming lunatic!” Fortunately for all involved, this mini-tirade took place only in my head and I immediately realized that exposing the mother’s ineptitude wouldn’t do anyone any good.

Almost instantaneously, my brain came up with another potential course of action. Clearly, this mother was already stressed and the innocuous candy accident was undoubtedly the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. She needed sympathy and support, not criticism. I imagined saying to the mother, “Having a rough day, huh? It must be hard taking care of a couple of young kids. I remember those days. I’ve been watching your son. He’s a bundle of energy. He looks like he keeps you busy. Is there anything I can do to help?”

I imagined the mother’s probable answer. It wasn’t pretty. “Just who do you think you are? I’m just fine, thank you. And I don’t need anyone telling me how to handle my kids. Leave me alone or I’ll call the police.”

I quickly decided that my intervention wasn’t going to work, despite my positive intent. Why?  That’s easy. I had no relationship with this woman. I had witnessed her in a moment she probably regretted. Asking her to become vulnerable in front of a total stranger was absurd.

So I chose to say nothing. My wife and I simply walked past this family in distress. Weeks later, I don’t regret my action (or lack thereof.) I still can’t think of anything I could have said or done that would have been helpful to this mother and her son. So I feel no guilt about my decision. The only thing I can do, I decided, is to take action before an incident like this occurs by communicating with other parents. Parents who read this article. Parents with whom I have some type of relationship, however tenuous, because they have chosen to read this. So let me address you.

If the story of this mother and her child sounds uncomfortably familiar, welcome to the club. Most of us have been there. When I began the Choice Theory journey that I have been on for more than 25 years, one of the first things I learned was the following: “Everyone is doing the best they can.” When our kids (or anyone else, for that matter) do something foolish, break something, behave inappropriately, or in any other way fail to meet our expectations, it’s easy to criticize, yell, berate, humiliate, etc. Just like the mother on the Sunshine Coast.

If at that moment you can remind yourself, “Everyone is doing the best they can,” everything changes. Rather than feeling the need to criticize or punish – the role of enforcer – you will find yourself thinking something like this: “This is the best my child can do right now. It’s not acceptable. It’s not what I want. But for the moment, they can’t do any better. How can I help them behave more effectively/appropriately?” Instantaneously, you transition from enforcer to teacher. Your role is not to punish, but to teach. Helping your child develop more effective behaviors means less tension, less discord, and less unpleasantness.

I can’t tell you how often this phrase – “Everyone is doing the best they can” – has helped me, both personally and professionally. As a father, when my son did something I didn’t like, I was able to resist the temptation to berate (“Why did you do that? What on earth were you thinking?”) and remember that my role as a parent was/is to help my children develop effective, responsible behaviors. As a school psychologist dealing with chronically underperforming students who continually violated school rules, when I reminded myself, “Everybody is doing the best they can,” it helped me help them. I implore you: try it. It works.

One last thing. “Everyone is doing the best they can.” This applies to you as well. It’s not just about your kids. When you consider those moments when you fell short of the mark as a parent – when you yelled, screamed, humiliated, and berated – feeling guilty and blaming yourself for being a “bad parent” doesn’t help. Just like your kids, you’re doing the best you can. Just like you help them figure out a better way, give yourself permission to develop new skills, to grow more competent in your role as parent, teacher, and guide. If all you do is blame yourself and wallow in guilt, you’ll only feel bad. After a while, there’s a good chance you’ll blame your kids for “making” you feel guilty, and the cycle of yelling, screaming, and feeling guilty will continue unabated. Accept your own shortcomings and face them head on. Remembering, “Everyone is doing the best they can,” gives you the best chance to become the parent you’d like to be.

By Bob Sullo. Bob has been an English teacher, school psychologist, school adjustment counselor, and school administrator. Now he is a full time consultant. Bob has written several bookssabout internal control and motivation including, Teach Them To Be Happy, The Inspiring Teacher, Activating the Desire to Learn and The Motivated Student. You can read Bob’s full bio here. Learn more about Bob and his work by visiting his website,www.internalmotivation.net.

 

Bob’s latest book now available on Amazon!

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Mar 20, 2012 Posted by In Choice Theory, Featured Tagged , Comments 1

Watch Your Language!

One fundamental component of Choice Theory® is the notion that we are internally motivated—all the time.  On p. 42 of The Quality School, Dr. Glasser reminds us, “No human being is unmotivated. In fact, every living creature is highly motivated all the time.” Even though the unrelenting nature of internal motivation is a key aspect of Choice Theory, I frequently hear people talk about the need to “motivate” others and complain that some people “just aren’t motivated.”

Total behavior teaches that how I express myself (acting) includes accompanying thoughts and feelings. For that reason, I work diligently to avoid the language of external control. When I speak that way, I nonconsciously perpetuate the belief system associated with external control: that is it my job to make others behave “the right way” by shaping their behavior through rewards and punishments. I’m sure I slip up from time to time. Probably more than I realize. And certainly, I hope, less than I did when I first started this Choice Theory journey more than 25 years ago.

Because language is important to me, I’d like to share a couple of examples that demonstrate the language of external control. This way of talking is not the exclusive domain of those unfamiliar with choice theory. I have heard many “experts” in choice theory slip quite comfortably into language that promotes a very different orientation.

In my consulting work with educators, I am often asked, “What can we do to motivate our students?” Or I may be introduced by a well-meaning administrator as follows: “Today Bob is going to tell us everything we need to know to get our kids motivated.” Trying not to be critical—I try to avoid beginning my presentations with one of my favorite ‘deadly habits’—I tell the group that I have not come to teach them how to motivate their students. In truth, our desire to “motivate” others arises from the mistaken belief that motivation comes from the outside.

If you believe that we can “motivate” people, then the carrot and stick approach makes perfect sense. The reason why that model ultimately fails is because, as Choice Theory teaches us, motivation comes from the inside, not the outside.

Rather than trying to “motivate” others—a futile undertaking if there ever was one—I suggest we engage and inspire others. Engagement is based on building a trusting, need-satisfying relationship. As Choice Theorists, we know that positive relationships are at the core of all successful interactions. When others perceive us as need-satisfying, they are engaged and more likely to behave in ways that we like. Connecting, building a positive relationship based on trust, and facilitating an environment where others can meet their needs responsibly, engages and inspires.

Not only do I think it’s impossible to “motivate” another. Just as importantly, I have no interest in it. I would rather engage them, inspire them, and trust that with appropriate guidance and support they will be motivated to live a responsible life.

Another question I am asked quite frequently, usually by a loving, kind, caring teacher is, “What can I do to meet my students’ needs?” Because the questioner almost always is a very nice person, they are taken aback when I say, “Nothing.” But that’s OK. My direct, unexpected answer generally leads them to a state of curiosity, something especially important in learning. I quickly add, “You can’t meet your students’ needs. That’s their job. In fact, you can’t meet anyone’s needs but your own. I love my wife and my kids, but I can’t meet their needs. Our job as educators is to structure an environment where kids can responsibly meet their needs while doing what we ask them to do.”

Years ago, when people would talk about “meeting their students’ needs,” I would choose to remain silent. I knew they were probably unfamiliar with Choice Theory and I was reluctant to tackle the issue directly. It’s taken me a long time to develop a repertoire of behaviors, but now I address their use of external language. Not in a critical way, I hope. But I know that as long as teachers believe they are supposed to “meet their students’ needs,” they will be stuck in a fruitless and never-ending pursuit.

Internal motivation. Total behavior. Two fundamental components of Choice Theory. When I say, “How do I motivate another?” or “How can I meet another’s needs?” (acting), the thinking component of my total behavior perpetuates the erroneous belief that motivation is something that comes from the outside. Of course, when I slip into the language of external control, it is never my intent to become an advocate of external control psychology. To keep my slip-ups to a minimum, I try to be as careful as possible about my use of language. I hope you’ll choose to do the same.

Note: This article first appeared in the Winter, 2011 Newsletter of The William Glasser Institute. 

By Bob Sullo. Bob has been an English teacher, school psychologist, school adjustment counselor, and school administrator. Now he is a full time consultant. Bob has written several bookssabout internal control and motivation including, Teach Them To Be Happy, The Inspiring Teacher, Activating the Desire to Learn and The Motivated Student. You can read Bob’s full bio here. Learn more about Bob and his work by visiting his website,www.internalmotivation.net.

 

 

Bob’s latest book now available on Amazon!

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Mar 13, 2012 Posted by In Choice Theory, Featured Tagged , , , , Comments 1

Notes from the (Achievement) Gap

First, the good news: the much-lamented achievement gap between white and black students in the United States has been slowly but steadily narrowing over the last two generations.

Alas, the bad news: there’s a new achievement gap threatening educational parity in the U.S., and it’s defined by dollar signs.

So on the one hand, we have an encouraging development in the direction of color-blind opportunity for all of our children. On the other hand, the growing gulf in educational achievement as measured by tax brackets is distressing, and is all of a piece with the larger national…ahem, dialogue about the haves and the have-nots.

Call it Occupy Education.

Recent data suggest that family income is more predictive of school success than race. This is no shocking revelation, but the real news is the potency of that trend. The gulf between rich and poor students is widening at a rate that threatens to undermine the promise of equal educational opportunity for all our children. 

In these  Occupy Wall Street days, living in the collective” A-ha! moment” the OWS movement occasioned here and around the world, isn’t it only a matter of time until the frustration and discontent over educational inequality bubbles over into full-blown social unrest?

To be sure, we’re not talking about the 1% vs. the 99%. Studies suggest the unequal distribution of educational achievement  is most keenly contrasted in the top 10% and bottom 10% of earners. Still, our collective national idea of public schooling implicitly asserts that all students are created equal, and are entitled to a safe, effective, and thorough public education. When do we take to the streets? Who among us will tweet and facebook up an e-revolution demanding a wholesale redesign of our model for distributing educational opportunity?

The Education Trust is a Washington-based research and advocacy group that aims to level the proverbial playing field. According to its mission statement, the organization’s goal is “to close the gaps in opportunity and achievement that consign far too many young people–especially those from low-income families or who are black, Latino, or American Indian–to lives on the margins of the American mainstream.”

In a recent radio interview, Education Trust VP Amy Wilkins spoke about the two Americas of education. Wilkins cited, for example, the pile of data affirming the value of Head Start pre-schooling for children from low-income families, but noted that those same children most often end up in underperforming schools, as dictated by their neighborhood’s socioeconomics. So “by third grade, the impact of Head Start begins to wane, and that kills me because they blame Head Start for that. But that's like blaming my gym that I'm getting fat when I stop going to the gym. Head Start recognizes the fact that it takes more to educate poor kids. And if we could take that same ethic up through the public schools, we'd be a lot better off.”

This absurdity — channeling resources into pre-K programming to “level up” kids from distressed areas, and then funneling them right into substandard high-poverty schools where all those earlier benefits peter out — is not simply a microcosm of governmental inefficiency. It’s also a profound cheat of our kids. Why bother giving them a leg up at four if we’re only going to cut them off at the knees ten years later?

Wilkins acknowledges that school funding formulas, even in the No Child Left Behind era, are not designed to ensure equal educational opportunity. “In many states and in many school districts in this country, we have funding formulas that disadvantage high poverty schools, that disadvantage high poverty school districts. So pouring more money through a formula that is unfair is not necessarily the right thing to do.”

But more to the point may be a rigorous cost-benefit analysis of educational spending line items. We have to scrutinize how we spend our dollars, asking of each proposed expenditure, “Will this spending create the greatest possible benefit for the greatest number of students?”  As an example, Wilkins points out that nationwide, “We spend about $18 billion a year on paying teachers who have master's degrees bonuses for those master's degrees in education. The research says that whether a teacher has a master's degree or a bachelor's degree doesn't matter, that master's degree doesn't add anything, really, to student achievement. So that's $18 billion a year that we're investing in something that makes no difference in terms of student achievement. We could reinvest that money in other things that have a bigger impact on student achievement and move a lot of kids a lot further.”

Anyone paying enough attention to be alarmed by the Great Divide in our nation’s schools will acknowledge that the opportunity gap is not just about school funding. At the risk of painting in broad brushstrokes, it’s fair to say that kids in low-income schools show up to class facing greater problems than their more privileged peers. Hunger, poverty, and unsafe neighborhoods don’t provide students with the best atmosphere for learning and growing. It’s also true that these circumstances place extra challenges on teachers. Attracting the most talented and motivated teachers into these challenged learning environments will be an important element of any solution. How we incentivize these professional challenges can be debated, but do it we must.

Of course, the formula for high-performing schools of any stripe is always a function of strong teachers, thoughtful curriculum, and high standards (for teachers and students) across the board. Yadda yadda yadda. And shrinking the gap works from all directions; it’s not enough to just elevate those on the lowest rungs of the achievement ladder. We also have to continue to push those on the highest rungs to strive ever higher. Elevating all of our kids is what each of them deserves, and what our American ideals demand.

Our country promises an equal opportunity to achieve and succeed. Our kids deserve nothing less. The national ethos that opportunity plus hard work equals success is dependent upon access to a high quality education. There’s no quibbling: education is the most dependable bridge from poverty into the middle class and onward. But when that bridge is narrowed, broken, or rendered otherwise impassable to a huge chunk of our kids, then what? If we throw up our hands, stick to the status quo, and allow zip code to be destiny, then  – apologies for the grandiose language – what does America mean anyway?

By Alison Minion. Alison is a freelance writer and editor, and a regular contributor to www.funderstanding.com. You can reach her with comments or story ideas at alison@funderstanding.com.

 

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Mar 9, 2012 Posted by In Featured, Parents Tagged , , , , , Comments 0

The Magical Question

As you stand in your kitchen contemplating what to make for dinner, you hear shouting, whining, and complaining, alerting you that your children are gearing up for a battle. Holding your breath and hoping this skirmish will resolve itself…. you wait. Next, you hear the plaintive cries from your youngest. Now…. you must intervene.

***

Writing on the board with your back to your class, you hear two students involved in a dispute, their volume slowly (and steadily) increasing. They are more engaged with one another than with classroom learning. They are interfering with other students’ learning. You can no longer ignore these two students.

***

Whether you are a parent or a teacher, these scenes probably sound familiar. Too familiar. The typical adult response has been, “Why did you do that?” only to have children answer, “I don’t know,” eyes downcast – shoulders shrugging. Occasionally, one child might attempt to explain the situation by pointing at the other child and say, “She did it to me first.” As I have suggested before, using the “tried and true” method for dealing with misbehaving children is as archaic and as “effective” as using a rotary telephone in 2012. But I want to do more than simply identify what doesn’t work. Today, I’ll explain the latest, most up-to-date, and effective methods to teach children self-discipline. In fact, teaching children self-discipline is the most effective method of behavior management. Let’s begin with a question.

“What is the purpose of behavior?” All behavior – from birth until death – is a person’s best attempt to follow their genetic instructions and meet their needs for safety, love, power, fun, and freedom. We are born with these urges and they last a lifetime. Even though children are born with these needs, they are not born with the capacity to follow them in (a) responsible and respectful ways. A child is only aware of her urge: to grab a toy that she sees; to push to the front of the line when it’s time to go to lunch; to stay up later than the established bedtime; and so forth. Children behave to satisfy these needs. It doesn’t matter whether the behavior is responsible or not. From a child’s perspective, their “misbehavior” is not their problem. From a child’s perspective, their behavior is a simple attempt to get something they want or need.

Knowing this, parents and teachers should expect that children will misbehave. It’s part of the territory. The good news is this: every time a child misbehaves, we – parents and teachers – have an opportunity to do our job. When a child misbehaves, we can immediately teach the child how to get what she wants responsibly and respectfully.

Why is “immediately” the best, most effective time to teach children? Because when a child is misbehaving, he is highly motivated to learn how to behave effectively! While his motivation is not really about learning to behave more responsibly or respectfully, he really wants what he wants. If he needs to learn a different, more respectful, and responsible way to get what he wants, then he’s glad to do it. Why is he so ready and motivated to learn a new behavior? Because it will help him get what he wants!

Here’s how it works in real life:

Parent to misbehaving son: “Johnny, what do you want that you are trying to get by hitting your brother?”

Or… 

Parent to daughter: “Sally, what do you want that you are trying to get by sneaking out of bed after bedtime?”

Or…

Teacher to student: “Freddy, what do you want that you are trying to get by grabbing your neighbor’s pencil?”

Or…

Teacher to student: “What do you want that you are trying to get by not completing your homework assignment?”

These are all examples of what I call “The Magical Question.” What makes this question magical? Children answer it! They tell you what they want! Instead of tumbling down the black hole of “Why did you do that?” we become the child’s ally when we ask, “What do you want?”

So far we have only looked at things from the child’s perspective. But you still have a problem: the child’s misbehavior. While their misbehavior may not be a problem to them, it sure is to you! The next part is where you advocate for what you want.

How? By asking the following question: “If we can figure out a way to help you get what you want in a respectful and responsible way, are you willing to figure it out?” Equally effective is asking the child, “If we can figure out a way for you to get what you want and still follow the rules, are you interested in learning how to do it?” Or, “If we could figure out a way to help you get what you want without hurting your brother, are you willing to learn?”

At this point, you know what the child wants (what is motivating her misbehavior) and the child has told you that she is willing to learn a different, more responsible, and respectful way of getting what she wants. Your task now is to teach the child how to get what she wants responsibly and respectfully. But notice the monumental shift that has taken place. Instead of being in the role of “enforcer,” you are in the role of “teacher,” a far more enjoyable role for every adult. And the child believes that you are interested in helping her get what she wants rather than an obstacle standing in her way.

What do you have to lose by giving this new transformative way of working with misbehaving children a try? By taking this one step in the direction of understanding that children’s behavior is never their problem, your will be taking giant step toward improved relationships and behavior management at home and in the classroom.

PS. This magical question is helpful to ask yourself during those stressful times when you are behaving in ways that you are not proud of. As you are yelling at other drivers on the road you could ask yourself, “What do I want that I am trying to get by yelling at the other drivers? If I could figure out another way to get what I want am I willing to work it out?” You might find this a helpful and surprising process to use for yourself!

PPS. The magical question is also effective to ask children when they are not misbehaving. It is equally useful when children are behaving responsibly and respectfully and effectively. This helps them pay attention to the effective and successful strategies they use. “Girls, I notice you are working cooperatively together on this school project. I wonder what you want that you are trying to get by working so well together?” (Note: Be prepared for the children to look at you like you’re crazy!) Parents can do the same. “Boys, I notice how well you are working together to clean your room. What is it you want that you are trying to get by cooperating?” Your children might think you have lost your mind and they might tell you things that will surprise you!

Behavior management, whether at home or in the classroom, depends on everyone practicing self-discipline. Using the magical question is a quick and effective strategy to teach children self-discipline. And this strategy offers the respect to children that adults demand they demonstrate towards them. Not only does this process work immediately; just as importantly, it also teaches children to be lifelong self-disciplined citizens of home, classroom, and the community.

Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D. is a developmental psychologist, expert in children’s motivation and behavior, and parenting coach. Fresh, funny and unafraid, she tackles the tough topics facing all families today. As the founder of Peaceful Parenting Inc®, blogger for Psychology Today and author of Peaceful Parenting and Why Do Kids Act That Way? The Instruction Manual Parents Need to Understand Children at Every Age, she gives lively presentations that audiences relate to and remember. To learn more or to contact Dr. Buck, visit www.peacefulparenting.com

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Feb 10, 2012 Posted by In Featured, Parents Tagged , , , Comments 0

Educational Causes of the Rich and Famous

Begin with “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” and add a liberal amount of “To whom much is given, much is expected.” Add a pinch of “Pay It Forward.” Season with grassroots momentum to taste, and…Voila!  The perfect template for celebrity-driven education activism.

DUIs, divorces, and diva behavior dominate the page-views and column inches of gossip publications. Readers of the Enquirer and Perez Hilton enjoy the seedy underbelly, but there’s a happier, shinier, and wholly unsexy story that doesn’t get enough coverage: the considerable population of Beautiful People who choose to leverage their fame for the larger good.

Novelist, memoirist, and indie publisher Dave Eggers is the mascot for a certain segment of hipster society. Eggers’ writing has collected an obscene amount of recognition and awards, and his publishing house McSweeney’s has championed the work of countless unknowns who, with Eggers’ imprimatur, soon became fixtures of the cultural landscape. But rather than rest on his considerable laurels, Eggers has used every possible podium, TED conference, and op-ed column to preach the gospel of public schools, writing programs for urban kids, championing equal educational opportunity, and touting the value of teachers in a free society. In 2002, Eggers launched a small San Francisco-based program that soon grew to become 826 National , a non-profit after-school writing and tutoring center with branches in nearly a dozen cities across the U.S. With his hep-cat cred and rock-n-roll pals, fundraisers for 826 National are star-studded affairs.

I Found This Funny an anthology of humor writing with an introduction by Judd Apatow, is the most recent in a shelf of projects whose proceeds go directly to the coffers of 826 National. In 2007, Eggers received a Heinz Award in the Arts and Humanities. He divided the $250,000 prize between the Teacher Salary Project and 826 National.

While Eggers’ activism honors the intellectual and creative life, another celebrity education agitator wants us to honor the body as a temple. Richard Simmons made his bones–and his fortune–sweatin’ to the oldies in his candy-cane-striped shorts. Slowly but surely, though, he is burnishing his legacy as an advocate for physical education in schools. Simmons took his feel-the-burn shtick to Congress in 2008, when he testified in support of including mandatory physical education within No Child Left Behind. Although a latecomer to political activism, Simmons brings a fun energy — as well as a large and fanatical following — to the movement. His fan base demonstrates loyalty by supporting his letter-writing campaign to Congressional lawmakers considering legislation related to kids’ health and wellness. The FIT Kids Act, championed by Simmons, would mandate non-competitive physical education and wellness programs in public schools, and would keep schools honest by requiring reporting on the quality and quantity of those programs.

The VH1 Save the Music Foundation has attracted an all-star lineup since its inception in 1997. A non-profit organization established by the cable music network, Save the Music’s mission is twofold: to restore and preserve instrumental musical education in American public schools, and to recognize the value of music as a part of a complete education. In 15 years, the Foundation has provided musical instruments worth a total of $50 million to public schools across the U.S. The symbiotic circle of cable music channel, recording artists, and music education has built a star-powered philanthropic activist group. Current “ambassadors” for the program (Chris Daughtry, Katy Perry, etc.) include anyone who’s anyone in music, ensuring brisk ticket sales to benefit concerts and events. Save the Music also offers an online “advocacy toolkit”  for citizens, teachers, and administrators looking for tips to bolster their schools’ music programs.

The advocacy work of Dave Eggers, Richard Simmons and VH1 share a commitment to the “extras” — creative writing, fitness and health education, and music instruction. There is a sense that these frillier items are not as staunchly defended in dollars, legislation, and curriculum debates as math, science, and reading. Enter interested celebrity parties, who have a ready-built platform from which to preach, and an audience eager to “Amen.” Today, let’s celebrate a handful of luminaries who are using their public renown to advocate and agitate for education-related initiatives.

By Alison Minion. Alison is a freelance writer and editor, and a regular contributor to www.funderstanding.com. You can reach her with comments or story ideas at alison@funderstanding.com.

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Feb 8, 2012 Posted by In Featured, Parents Tagged , , , Comments 1

The Brain’s Biology: A Negative Feedback Loop System

Are you ready for a challenge?  I want you to make a list of all of the things that your child or children have done right today. Go ahead, pull out a blank piece of paper or a blank computer screen and begin listing everything where your child did and behaved as you wanted him to.  I’ll wait while you take the time to actually complete this task.

                           ****                        ****                        ****

Okay, now list the opposite. On the other side of the paper, or after creating a page break, list all of the things where your child did not do what you asked, did not listen to you, misbehaved – times when you felt annoyed, upset or aggravated.

 

For those of you reluctant to take the extra step of actually making the list, I guarantee you that making this little effort will have greater impact and help your learning.                                   

****                        ****                        ****                                            ****                        ****                        ****

Our brain is a feedback loop system. In fact, it isn’t just the brain that is a feedback loop system. Every system and cell in our body is a feedback loop system. For the purpose of understanding life on a grand level, let’s talk about understanding the implications of this feedback loop system.

The human brain is a negative feedback loop systems. This means that whenever there is a difference between what a person experiences in reality that is different from the ideal set point established by this person’s brain, an urge to behave to correct the situation is created by the brain.  For example, each person has a comfortable room temperature as his ideal set point. When the room temperature dips below the ideal, the person will take action to correct the situation and re-establish the environment to match the comfortable room temperature set point established by this person. The creativity and adaptability of being human means you can choose from a wide variety of solutions to increase your warmth. You can put on warmer clothes. You can exercise, increasing your own internal temperature. You can build a fire, or turn up the heat, or sit in a sunny spot in the room. But any action you take is generated by the signal your brain gives you that what you want does not match what you are getting.

The important point to understand is that your brain is set up to notice what is wrong; to notice the exceptions, the mismatches, the painful areas that are out of order. It is the mismatch between what you want and what you are getting that creates the signal for you to take action.

Your brain does not notice when what you want matches what you are getting. You don’t pay attention. Because there is no signal generated by your brain, you aren’t even aware of it.

There are exceptions. When you finally get what you want after being out of balance for an extended time, the relief of the match feels wonderful. Remember the joy and relief you have felt when you finally entered a warm room after being cold for too long? Sipping a hot beverage, snuggled up next to a fire after being outside in the cold for several hours, feels delightful. This match is a relief and is very much part of your awareness and gratitude.

But, are you aware of the temperature in the room you are in right now? If you are too cold or too warm, then you probably are aware of it. But if you are in a comfortable room, you haven’t even noticed the temperature. Your brain functions to bring your awareness and action to situations when there is a mismatch – not when there is comfort, satisfaction, and a match.

Now let’s apply this idea to your interactions and relationship with children. As a classroom teacher, you are very aware of the children who are misbehaving in your classroom. Are you aware of the children who are cooperating, learning, and engaged? Don’t despair if you are only paying attention to the misbehaving children. It is how your brain functions. Your brain’s biology signals you into action when misbehaving children are present. Your brain’s biology gives you no notice of well-behaved, cooperative children. They go unnoticed.

Because children’s brains function the same way, your students may not be aware of what they are doing well, where they are achieving, and where they are being successful. In order for this to happen, they have to go against their brain’s biology and extend extra effort to find the moments and areas where their achievement matches their desired outcome. Looking for successful accomplishments, especially small and minor ones, is not part of our nature.

Ask a child to self-evaluate as she aims for successful achievements and attainment. Going one step further by asking her what she did to be successful helps her learn, internalize, and grow to master the effective skills and habits she is developing. Does she know what she can do to have even more success? Although it may feel as if things just turned out well without any effort on the child’s part, asking children to notice what they did well will maximize their learning because their brain is not going to automatically notice when there is a match. Without your helpful intervention, the brain will only notice the mismatch.

Are you aware of all of the ways your child is listening, is cooperating, and is doing just what you want? If you are, then this is probably a habit that took time and effort for you to develop.

At the beginning of this article, I asked you to list the delightful matches between what you wanted and what you were getting from your child. I also asked you to list the mismatches where what you wanted from your child was different from what your were getting.  Which of these two lists was easier for you to make? If you’re like most people, the mismatches were quicker and easier for you to identify than the matches. Why? Because the biology of our brain is a negative feedback loop, giving us feedback and urging us to behave when we are not getting what we want.

With this powerful information you can make dramatic changes. For the next week, start paying attention to all of the ways that life is working out for you. For instance, the next time you drive to work, notice how many other drivers are cooperating with you, driving safely, everyone free from an accident and danger. There may be one or two drivers who are the unfortunate exception, but the vast majority of people on the road with you are safe, cooperative drivers.

For the next week, notice all the ways your child is doing well, cooperating, and helping, being pleasant, friendly, and loving. There may be moments when he sasses you or she whines, but the vast majority of your life together is filled with cooperative and pleasant moments.

Teachers, the next time you enter the staff room, celebrate with your colleagues about the 22 students who were working cooperatively with you on your most recent lesson rather than the one or two students who disrupted.

Are you getting the picture? You have to go against your biology, against your brain, to notice all of the matches – the pleasant, stress-free moments in your life and with your child. As you practice this skill more and more, it becomes a habit – one that will bring you joy.

This is a powerful skill to teach children as well. When children notice their success, happiness, and achievement, and attribute it to their own effective behaviors, they understand that what they do on a daily basis helps them meet their needs responsibly. They understand that their happiness is up to them and not dependent on anyone else. What a great gift of understanding to give to a child!

Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D. is a developmental psychologist, expert in children’s motivation and behavior, and parenting coach. Fresh, funny and unafraid, she tackles the tough topics facing all families today. As the founder of Peaceful Parenting Inc®, blogger for Psychology Today and author of Peaceful Parenting and Why Do Kids Act That Way? The Instruction Manual Parents Need to Understand Children at Every Age, she gives lively presentations that audiences relate to and remember. To learn more or to contact Dr. Buck, visit www.peacefulparenting.com

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Jan 20, 2012 Posted by In Brain, Featured Tagged , , , , Comments 0

“5 Strategies to Engage & Inspire” Webinar: Follow-Up Q&A

I received a number of e-mails with questions and comments after my January 9 webinar “5 Strategies to Engage & Inspire Kids to Work Harder in School.” I’d like to take this opportunity to answer a couple of questions. (By the way, you can still access the January 9 session by clicking here.)

One person wrote, “I'm currently completing a master's research project that looks at college and career aspirations and its connect to performance,” followed that by a question about the connection between goals and motivation. (Aside: I’m pretty sure this is the same person who asked a question during the Q&A at the end of the webinar.)

I’ll comment with reference to the choice theory that I introduced during the webinar. The first thing to remember is that all people are internally motivated by what they want. Contrary to the prevailing wisdom, motivation is not something that comes from the outside and it’s not possible to “motivate” another. To use the language of choice theory, if a student has a strong “quality world picture” regarding their future career, they will be motivated to achieve their goal.

A student with a goal isn’t necessarily motivated to do all the things necessary to achieve. In other words, a goal is a necessary, but not sufficient, variable in achieving success. It’s possible for a student to be focused exclusively on the end point (being an engineer, a pilot, the general manager of a professional sports team, a professional dancer, etc.) It’s not unusual, therefore, for students to clearly articulate their aspirations and then behave in ways that aren’t especially helpful in moving them in the right direction. That’s where they can be helped by a positive relationship with a trusted, caring, and knowledgeable adult who can help them discover all the intervening steps between “wanting” (internal motivation) and achieving success. Motivation alone will not ensure success.

Having said that, the absence of motivation almost assuredly guarantees failure. The student who has no future career goals, aspirations, or dreams will be hard-pressed to muster the necessary motivation to succeed in school. Especially when things become difficult, it will be easy for this student to tune out, withdraw academically, and flounder. If they see no connection between their current actions and their future, they will be forever stuck in the “now,” unable to persevere and do things that may be difficult or unpleasant. We’ll accept difficult, even tedious tasks, when we understand that doing them will help us get what we want.

Since a strong want or quality world picture is necessary for people to achieve success, one of my goals as a parent or educator is to help kids develop compelling goals, giving them the best chance to experience success as adults.

Here is a second question/comment: “When my son was young, I had some difficulties with him, so I consulted a child psychologist.  He suggested a behavior chart with external rewards as well as fostering internal rewards.  He said, ‘Would you work if you didn't get a paycheck?’  Isn't a paycheck an external reward? And no I wouldn't work without a paycheck.  Please comment on this theory.”

Two days after I did the webinar for Funderstanding, I conducted a two-hour session for a school just outside of Boston. I was very well paid. I am generally paid for my work. Like many people, I have a house, car, bills, and three kids who attended college. There is nothing about choice theory and what I teach that suggests people shouldn’t be paid for working. However, I spent well over 100 hours preparing for the webinar that I did on January 9 for Funderstanding. I received no money. And I left that experience feeling satisfied, pleased that I had offered something of value, and excited about the second session on March 19. Unless something wholly unexpected happens, I won’t be paid for that one either. And I’ll work just as hard. And I expect to enjoy it just as much.

I don’t think I’m unusual. I suspect many people reading this have given many hours working as a volunteer at a homeless shelter, or their church, or at their child’s school, or helping a neighbor in need, or tutoring a child who is struggling in school, or …..you get the picture. Of course, most of them work and get paid, but they also engage in lots of other work that is not at all connected to any external reward. Not all work brings pay, nor do we want it to.

Then there’s the “underpaid,” those who receive payment but who willingly receive absurdly low pay. I did a workshop for a Catholic high school in Louisiana a couple of years ago. The woman who coordinated the event had been a professional educator for over thirty years, held two advanced degrees, and was the curriculum coordinator for the school. She told me her pay was equal to that of a first-year teacher with a bachelor’s degree working in a local public school. She wasn’t rich. She wasn’t a nun. She was married and had children. And bills. She would gladly have accepted more money, but would never leave her school simply to earn more money, an option that was available to her. She would tell you that she didn’t earn as much money as she would like, but she would never say she was “underpaid.” Money isn’t the only motivator. Money isn’t the only reward.

Have you ever met any high school coaches? These people are usually paid a stipend for helping student athletes develop their skills. Some even get a decent amount. But when you calculate how much they are paid per hour, you discover that these men and women would earn considerably more money if they stocked shelves at the local grocery store. As coaches, they put in long hours for relatively low pay. While they appreciate the pay and may even “demand” the pay, they coach for much more than the money they earn. They are internally driven by a desire to help young athletes grow and develop. Coaching on the high school level is another obvious example of people who are paid but who don’t “work for pay.” I’m sure you know of many others.

Why do we do this? Because work is one way to lead a meaningful, purposeful life. When we engage in work without pay, we still are “rewarded,” but the reward is internal. It feels good and helps us satisfy one or more of the needs identified in choice theory (love/belonging, power/competence, freedom, fun, safety/survival.)

About twenty-five years ago, my wife and I built a small shed in our back yard to store our bikes, lawn furniture, the lawn mower, etc. I am no carpenter. Neither is my wife. But we did a pretty good job and were pleased with our success. When my parents saw it and commented on how well it came out (much to my father’s surprise, I might add), my wife and I offered to build a shed for them. We didn’t get paid, but it was a joyful and wholly worthwhile experience. Through unpaid hard work, I satisfied the needs for love/belonging (with my parents), for competence (by building something that was well constructed and fully functional), and for fun (Choice theory teaches us that whenever we learn something new, we have fun. This experience certainly included a lot of new learning.)

I can’t remember where I got this so I can’t credit the source, but I read something once that went something like, “Unless the job means more than the pay, it will never pay anything more.” (I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this, but I think I might have read it on a Salada tea bag!)

Those who believe we “work for pay” are both stating the obvious and missing the point. I hope to continue to work and be well compensated for years to come. At the same time, I hope I never reach a point where I’m simply “working for pay.” The day that happens is the day I have been overpaid, regardless of the amount I receive.

All parents need to figure out how to raise their kids. It’s not my job to tell another parent what to do. But I am quite reluctant to offer a child a tangible reward for appropriate behavior. As soon as I link those two, the child naturally focuses on the reward as opposed to focusing on what is more important: appropriate behavior. Appropriate behavior gets downgraded to something that “must be done” to get what is worthwhile: the tangible reward. My wife and I wanted our kids to value appropriate behavior for its own sake, not because they “got something” by behaving appropriately.

We knew that our children would be out of our sight and out of our direct influence much of the time: in school, on the playground, at the mall, away at college, etc. Even if we weren’t there to “catch them being good,” ready with a tangible reward, we still wanted them to behave appropriately. Children who are routinely given an external reward for appropriate behavior are far less likely to internalize the values we want them to internalize and are far less likely to behave appropriately when the external reward is removed. As parents, we certainly didn’t want that for our three children. Now that they are all adults and living on their own, my wife and I are most proud of the fact that we raised three kids who internalized the values that we cared about most as a family. I have my share of regrets, but I certainly don’t regret raising our children based on the principles of choice theory. I don’t just teach and write about these ideas. I do my best to live them.

Thanks to everyone who asked follow-up questions, making the webinar more personal and interactive. I hope you have found these comments interesting and useful.

By Bob Sullo. Bob has been an English teacher, school psychologist, school adjustment counselor, and school administrator. Now he is a full time consultant. Bob has written several bookssabout internal control and motivation including, Teach Them To Be Happy, The Inspiring Teacher, Activating the Desire to Learn and The Motivated Student. You can read Bob’s full bio here. Learn more about Bob and his work by visiting his website,www.internalmotivation.net.

Bob’s latest book now available on Amazon!

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Jan 17, 2012 Posted by In Choice Theory, Educators, Featured, Parents Tagged , , , , Comments 0
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