Parenting 101: “Everyone is Doing the Best They Can”

My wife and I recently returned home after a two-month holiday in New Zealand and Australia. We came home with lots of wonderful memories. Interestingly, one less pleasant experience has stayed with me for weeks, both because it was so familiar and so unnecessary.

We had just concluded a three-day stay on the Sunshine Coast in Australia and were walking to a bus stop to begin our journey back to our daughter’s home in Brisbane. A mother with two young children was walking ahead of us. One of the kids was about five or six years old and epitomized the definition of “all boy.” He wasn’t simply walking. He was in perpetual motion, scurrying from here to there, constantly chatting, and clearly enjoying himself. Then it all fell apart.

Actually, all that really “fell” was his plastic container filled with candy, spilling its contents on the sidewalk. Almost before the candy hit the pavement, his mother screamed, “Now look what you’ve done! Why did you do that? Guess who won’t be enjoying any candy today?” This was accompanied by her dramatically swooping to the ground, picking up and examining the fallen candy, and throwing it violently to the ground, providing a final exclamation point to her comments.

I’m not sure I had ever witnessed metamorphosis before, but I’m pretty sure I witnessed it then. The young boy who moments before was so vibrant and full of energy, immediately appeared smaller, shoulders slumped forward, eyes cast downward, silent.

His mother must have noticed the change, too, and mistook it for early onset hearing loss. “Did you hear me?” she shouted. “Why did you do that?” Wisely, he offered no answer – for any answer would have been incorrect and an invitation for more vitriolic comments.

The human brain is amazing. We process information so rapidly. Ever notice that a dream lasting only a few minutes contains a full story? That’s what happened to me in the next ten seconds. My first thought was to confront the parent – my pathetic attempt to advocate for the child. “Are you crazy?” I wanted to ask. “How can any rational adult believe a child would deliberately drop his candy on the sidewalk? Clearly, your son had an accident. Give him a break, you screaming lunatic!” Fortunately for all involved, this mini-tirade took place only in my head and I immediately realized that exposing the mother’s ineptitude wouldn’t do anyone any good.

Almost instantaneously, my brain came up with another potential course of action. Clearly, this mother was already stressed and the innocuous candy accident was undoubtedly the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. She needed sympathy and support, not criticism. I imagined saying to the mother, “Having a rough day, huh? It must be hard taking care of a couple of young kids. I remember those days. I’ve been watching your son. He’s a bundle of energy. He looks like he keeps you busy. Is there anything I can do to help?”

I imagined the mother’s probable answer. It wasn’t pretty. “Just who do you think you are? I’m just fine, thank you. And I don’t need anyone telling me how to handle my kids. Leave me alone or I’ll call the police.”

I quickly decided that my intervention wasn’t going to work, despite my positive intent. Why?  That’s easy. I had no relationship with this woman. I had witnessed her in a moment she probably regretted. Asking her to become vulnerable in front of a total stranger was absurd.

So I chose to say nothing. My wife and I simply walked past this family in distress. Weeks later, I don’t regret my action (or lack thereof.) I still can’t think of anything I could have said or done that would have been helpful to this mother and her son. So I feel no guilt about my decision. The only thing I can do, I decided, is to take action before an incident like this occurs by communicating with other parents. Parents who read this article. Parents with whom I have some type of relationship, however tenuous, because they have chosen to read this. So let me address you.

If the story of this mother and her child sounds uncomfortably familiar, welcome to the club. Most of us have been there. When I began the Choice Theory journey that I have been on for more than 25 years, one of the first things I learned was the following: “Everyone is doing the best they can.” When our kids (or anyone else, for that matter) do something foolish, break something, behave inappropriately, or in any other way fail to meet our expectations, it’s easy to criticize, yell, berate, humiliate, etc. Just like the mother on the Sunshine Coast.

If at that moment you can remind yourself, “Everyone is doing the best they can,” everything changes. Rather than feeling the need to criticize or punish – the role of enforcer – you will find yourself thinking something like this: “This is the best my child can do right now. It’s not acceptable. It’s not what I want. But for the moment, they can’t do any better. How can I help them behave more effectively/appropriately?” Instantaneously, you transition from enforcer to teacher. Your role is not to punish, but to teach. Helping your child develop more effective behaviors means less tension, less discord, and less unpleasantness.

I can’t tell you how often this phrase – “Everyone is doing the best they can” – has helped me, both personally and professionally. As a father, when my son did something I didn’t like, I was able to resist the temptation to berate (“Why did you do that? What on earth were you thinking?”) and remember that my role as a parent was/is to help my children develop effective, responsible behaviors. As a school psychologist dealing with chronically underperforming students who continually violated school rules, when I reminded myself, “Everybody is doing the best they can,” it helped me help them. I implore you: try it. It works.

One last thing. “Everyone is doing the best they can.” This applies to you as well. It’s not just about your kids. When you consider those moments when you fell short of the mark as a parent – when you yelled, screamed, humiliated, and berated – feeling guilty and blaming yourself for being a “bad parent” doesn’t help. Just like your kids, you’re doing the best you can. Just like you help them figure out a better way, give yourself permission to develop new skills, to grow more competent in your role as parent, teacher, and guide. If all you do is blame yourself and wallow in guilt, you’ll only feel bad. After a while, there’s a good chance you’ll blame your kids for “making” you feel guilty, and the cycle of yelling, screaming, and feeling guilty will continue unabated. Accept your own shortcomings and face them head on. Remembering, “Everyone is doing the best they can,” gives you the best chance to become the parent you’d like to be.

By Bob Sullo. Bob has been an English teacher, school psychologist, school adjustment counselor, and school administrator. Now he is a full time consultant. Bob has written several bookssabout internal control and motivation including, Teach Them To Be Happy, The Inspiring Teacher, Activating the Desire to Learn and The Motivated Student. You can read Bob’s full bio here. Learn more about Bob and his work by visiting his website,www.internalmotivation.net.

 

Bob’s latest book now available on Amazon!

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Mar 20, 2012 Posted by In Choice Theory, Featured Tagged , Comments 1

Watch Your Language!

One fundamental component of Choice Theory® is the notion that we are internally motivated—all the time.  On p. 42 of The Quality School, Dr. Glasser reminds us, “No human being is unmotivated. In fact, every living creature is highly motivated all the time.” Even though the unrelenting nature of internal motivation is a key aspect of Choice Theory, I frequently hear people talk about the need to “motivate” others and complain that some people “just aren’t motivated.”

Total behavior teaches that how I express myself (acting) includes accompanying thoughts and feelings. For that reason, I work diligently to avoid the language of external control. When I speak that way, I nonconsciously perpetuate the belief system associated with external control: that is it my job to make others behave “the right way” by shaping their behavior through rewards and punishments. I’m sure I slip up from time to time. Probably more than I realize. And certainly, I hope, less than I did when I first started this Choice Theory journey more than 25 years ago.

Because language is important to me, I’d like to share a couple of examples that demonstrate the language of external control. This way of talking is not the exclusive domain of those unfamiliar with choice theory. I have heard many “experts” in choice theory slip quite comfortably into language that promotes a very different orientation.

In my consulting work with educators, I am often asked, “What can we do to motivate our students?” Or I may be introduced by a well-meaning administrator as follows: “Today Bob is going to tell us everything we need to know to get our kids motivated.” Trying not to be critical—I try to avoid beginning my presentations with one of my favorite ‘deadly habits’—I tell the group that I have not come to teach them how to motivate their students. In truth, our desire to “motivate” others arises from the mistaken belief that motivation comes from the outside.

If you believe that we can “motivate” people, then the carrot and stick approach makes perfect sense. The reason why that model ultimately fails is because, as Choice Theory teaches us, motivation comes from the inside, not the outside.

Rather than trying to “motivate” others—a futile undertaking if there ever was one—I suggest we engage and inspire others. Engagement is based on building a trusting, need-satisfying relationship. As Choice Theorists, we know that positive relationships are at the core of all successful interactions. When others perceive us as need-satisfying, they are engaged and more likely to behave in ways that we like. Connecting, building a positive relationship based on trust, and facilitating an environment where others can meet their needs responsibly, engages and inspires.

Not only do I think it’s impossible to “motivate” another. Just as importantly, I have no interest in it. I would rather engage them, inspire them, and trust that with appropriate guidance and support they will be motivated to live a responsible life.

Another question I am asked quite frequently, usually by a loving, kind, caring teacher is, “What can I do to meet my students’ needs?” Because the questioner almost always is a very nice person, they are taken aback when I say, “Nothing.” But that’s OK. My direct, unexpected answer generally leads them to a state of curiosity, something especially important in learning. I quickly add, “You can’t meet your students’ needs. That’s their job. In fact, you can’t meet anyone’s needs but your own. I love my wife and my kids, but I can’t meet their needs. Our job as educators is to structure an environment where kids can responsibly meet their needs while doing what we ask them to do.”

Years ago, when people would talk about “meeting their students’ needs,” I would choose to remain silent. I knew they were probably unfamiliar with Choice Theory and I was reluctant to tackle the issue directly. It’s taken me a long time to develop a repertoire of behaviors, but now I address their use of external language. Not in a critical way, I hope. But I know that as long as teachers believe they are supposed to “meet their students’ needs,” they will be stuck in a fruitless and never-ending pursuit.

Internal motivation. Total behavior. Two fundamental components of Choice Theory. When I say, “How do I motivate another?” or “How can I meet another’s needs?” (acting), the thinking component of my total behavior perpetuates the erroneous belief that motivation is something that comes from the outside. Of course, when I slip into the language of external control, it is never my intent to become an advocate of external control psychology. To keep my slip-ups to a minimum, I try to be as careful as possible about my use of language. I hope you’ll choose to do the same.

Note: This article first appeared in the Winter, 2011 Newsletter of The William Glasser Institute. 

By Bob Sullo. Bob has been an English teacher, school psychologist, school adjustment counselor, and school administrator. Now he is a full time consultant. Bob has written several bookssabout internal control and motivation including, Teach Them To Be Happy, The Inspiring Teacher, Activating the Desire to Learn and The Motivated Student. You can read Bob’s full bio here. Learn more about Bob and his work by visiting his website,www.internalmotivation.net.

 

 

Bob’s latest book now available on Amazon!

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Mar 13, 2012 Posted by In Choice Theory, Featured Tagged , , , , Comments 1

The Magical Question

As you stand in your kitchen contemplating what to make for dinner, you hear shouting, whining, and complaining, alerting you that your children are gearing up for a battle. Holding your breath and hoping this skirmish will resolve itself…. you wait. Next, you hear the plaintive cries from your youngest. Now…. you must intervene.

***

Writing on the board with your back to your class, you hear two students involved in a dispute, their volume slowly (and steadily) increasing. They are more engaged with one another than with classroom learning. They are interfering with other students’ learning. You can no longer ignore these two students.

***

Whether you are a parent or a teacher, these scenes probably sound familiar. Too familiar. The typical adult response has been, “Why did you do that?” only to have children answer, “I don’t know,” eyes downcast – shoulders shrugging. Occasionally, one child might attempt to explain the situation by pointing at the other child and say, “She did it to me first.” As I have suggested before, using the “tried and true” method for dealing with misbehaving children is as archaic and as “effective” as using a rotary telephone in 2012. But I want to do more than simply identify what doesn’t work. Today, I’ll explain the latest, most up-to-date, and effective methods to teach children self-discipline. In fact, teaching children self-discipline is the most effective method of behavior management. Let’s begin with a question.

“What is the purpose of behavior?” All behavior – from birth until death – is a person’s best attempt to follow their genetic instructions and meet their needs for safety, love, power, fun, and freedom. We are born with these urges and they last a lifetime. Even though children are born with these needs, they are not born with the capacity to follow them in (a) responsible and respectful ways. A child is only aware of her urge: to grab a toy that she sees; to push to the front of the line when it’s time to go to lunch; to stay up later than the established bedtime; and so forth. Children behave to satisfy these needs. It doesn’t matter whether the behavior is responsible or not. From a child’s perspective, their “misbehavior” is not their problem. From a child’s perspective, their behavior is a simple attempt to get something they want or need.

Knowing this, parents and teachers should expect that children will misbehave. It’s part of the territory. The good news is this: every time a child misbehaves, we – parents and teachers – have an opportunity to do our job. When a child misbehaves, we can immediately teach the child how to get what she wants responsibly and respectfully.

Why is “immediately” the best, most effective time to teach children? Because when a child is misbehaving, he is highly motivated to learn how to behave effectively! While his motivation is not really about learning to behave more responsibly or respectfully, he really wants what he wants. If he needs to learn a different, more respectful, and responsible way to get what he wants, then he’s glad to do it. Why is he so ready and motivated to learn a new behavior? Because it will help him get what he wants!

Here’s how it works in real life:

Parent to misbehaving son: “Johnny, what do you want that you are trying to get by hitting your brother?”

Or… 

Parent to daughter: “Sally, what do you want that you are trying to get by sneaking out of bed after bedtime?”

Or…

Teacher to student: “Freddy, what do you want that you are trying to get by grabbing your neighbor’s pencil?”

Or…

Teacher to student: “What do you want that you are trying to get by not completing your homework assignment?”

These are all examples of what I call “The Magical Question.” What makes this question magical? Children answer it! They tell you what they want! Instead of tumbling down the black hole of “Why did you do that?” we become the child’s ally when we ask, “What do you want?”

So far we have only looked at things from the child’s perspective. But you still have a problem: the child’s misbehavior. While their misbehavior may not be a problem to them, it sure is to you! The next part is where you advocate for what you want.

How? By asking the following question: “If we can figure out a way to help you get what you want in a respectful and responsible way, are you willing to figure it out?” Equally effective is asking the child, “If we can figure out a way for you to get what you want and still follow the rules, are you interested in learning how to do it?” Or, “If we could figure out a way to help you get what you want without hurting your brother, are you willing to learn?”

At this point, you know what the child wants (what is motivating her misbehavior) and the child has told you that she is willing to learn a different, more responsible, and respectful way of getting what she wants. Your task now is to teach the child how to get what she wants responsibly and respectfully. But notice the monumental shift that has taken place. Instead of being in the role of “enforcer,” you are in the role of “teacher,” a far more enjoyable role for every adult. And the child believes that you are interested in helping her get what she wants rather than an obstacle standing in her way.

What do you have to lose by giving this new transformative way of working with misbehaving children a try? By taking this one step in the direction of understanding that children’s behavior is never their problem, your will be taking giant step toward improved relationships and behavior management at home and in the classroom.

PS. This magical question is helpful to ask yourself during those stressful times when you are behaving in ways that you are not proud of. As you are yelling at other drivers on the road you could ask yourself, “What do I want that I am trying to get by yelling at the other drivers? If I could figure out another way to get what I want am I willing to work it out?” You might find this a helpful and surprising process to use for yourself!

PPS. The magical question is also effective to ask children when they are not misbehaving. It is equally useful when children are behaving responsibly and respectfully and effectively. This helps them pay attention to the effective and successful strategies they use. “Girls, I notice you are working cooperatively together on this school project. I wonder what you want that you are trying to get by working so well together?” (Note: Be prepared for the children to look at you like you’re crazy!) Parents can do the same. “Boys, I notice how well you are working together to clean your room. What is it you want that you are trying to get by cooperating?” Your children might think you have lost your mind and they might tell you things that will surprise you!

Behavior management, whether at home or in the classroom, depends on everyone practicing self-discipline. Using the magical question is a quick and effective strategy to teach children self-discipline. And this strategy offers the respect to children that adults demand they demonstrate towards them. Not only does this process work immediately; just as importantly, it also teaches children to be lifelong self-disciplined citizens of home, classroom, and the community.

Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D. is a developmental psychologist, expert in children’s motivation and behavior, and parenting coach. Fresh, funny and unafraid, she tackles the tough topics facing all families today. As the founder of Peaceful Parenting Inc®, blogger for Psychology Today and author of Peaceful Parenting and Why Do Kids Act That Way? The Instruction Manual Parents Need to Understand Children at Every Age, she gives lively presentations that audiences relate to and remember. To learn more or to contact Dr. Buck, visit www.peacefulparenting.com

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Feb 10, 2012 Posted by In Featured, Parents Tagged , , , Comments 0

Koraunui School: A New Zealand School On the Journey to Quality

It was one of those moments that every school principal knows about, understands, and dreads. You’re sitting with a room full of colleagues, miles away from your school, when someone enters the room and hands a note to a person at the back of the room, asking that it be passed to the “right” person. “Please. Let it not be me,” you’re thinking. Receiving a note in the middle of a conference can only be bad.

Much to her dismay, Barbara Hay, Principal of  Koraunui School in Stokes Valley, New Zealand, was the “lucky” recipient of the note that read simply, “Call school. NOW!” She excused herself from the room, called her school, and was informed that “World War Three has erupted in the school playground.”

What Barbara found when she got back to school is still fresh in her mind almost eight years later. “Large groups of kids – some with softball bats – had been surging round the playground, looking for fights against other large groups of kids. The staff had been able to restore order without any child being seriously hurt, thank goodness, but the tension in the air was palpable. As a staff we knew at that moment that we had to do something different.”

Fast-forward eight years. Walk around Koraunui School today and what you see is vastly different. Many of the teachers who were there when “World War Three” broke out are still there today. The student population, multicultural, low to middling socio-economic environment, is pretty much the same as it was then. But this is a different place. Fights, chaos in some classrooms, and discord have been replaced by a culture of kindness, community, and resolving differences peacefully.

This is no Utopian fantasy. “We still have the occasional tussle in the playground,” says Barbara, “but it’s so different today. Where before the kids were quick to fight, today when two kids are close to blows there’s a good chance that many of their mates will inform a teacher because we have decided that we simply don’t like fighting here. We accept that we have differences. We just want to resolve things peacefully and respectfully.”

A sign on the wall in the school playground helps keeps children focused, reminding them of alternatives to violence. They are asked to “try at least two of these strategies” before talking to an adult. At Koraunui, kids are expected to resolve their differences independently. “We understand that conflict is part of the human experience,” Barbara explains. “But we don’t want adults always intervening. We prefer the kids work things out themselves. We give them the necessary tools and encouragement to be problem-solvers. More often than not, they are quite capable of sorting things out without us adults getting in the thick of it, taking sides, telling everybody what to do. On those occasions when kids try to work things out and are unable to resolve things successfully, we’re quite happy to lend a hand. But our goal is to help them solve their own problems. While we have the odd dust-up, the kids do a remarkably good job now that they have the tools to monitor their own behaviors successfully.”

Walk around Koraunui, and you’ll see kids actively engaged, involved, and clearly enjoying themselves. But this isn’t a place where kids do whatever they want without adult guidance and structure. Sure, kids are having fun. But make no mistake. It’s fun with a purpose. An educational purpose.

“After my ‘World War Three’ moment,” Barbara says, “we decided we needed to go in another direction. We had tried the traditional way and this is what we had: kids with softball bats, ready to seriously injure each other. Kids more consumed by conflict than ready to learn. I can admit it now, quite comfortably. We were desperate. It was at that moment that we discovered choice theory. Quite fortunately, one of our staff members had been introduced to this approach and had come away impressed. Because she is a no-nonsense professional who wasn’t likely to fall for something that wasn’t worth looking at, we took notice when we saw positive change occurring within her classroom. We brought in an amazing Glasser Institute trainer, Maggie Bolton, to help us learn a new way of thinking and doing. What was most illuminating was that this new way was not about changing the children, but about us as a staff changing ourselves – from being in charge, to leading. To effect change in the children, we had to change. No mean feat to change disconnecting habits learned over a lifetime of external control experiences.”

Eight years later, Barbara Hay, the staff, students, and families that make up the Koraunui community are still on the journey. “We’re not done yet. Not by a long stretch,” says Barbara. “But things have changed enormously. I no longer go to principal meetings and fear I’ll be the one called out with a ‘call school now’ note.”

I can confirm this. Last year, I was in New Zealand conducting a series of workshops. One was scheduled for the first day of school. When I asked about the arrangements and who would introduce me, Barbara told me she would. “Isn’t it the first day of school?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you be there?”

“Yes, it’s opening day, but the school runs just fine without me,” Barbara answered. “Sometimes I wonder if they even know I’m there or not.” Barbara introduced me at my presentation, 20 minutes away from her school, confident that her staff and students would be just fine without her micro-managing every move. Of course, because Koraunui is a caring, connected community, Barbara did slip out to visit her school later that morning. “It is opening day, after all,” she explained. “I really do enjoy seeing the kids on their first day back. They are so excited.”

“When we realized that we had to make changes, it wasn’t just about negative behaviors. These were simply an indication of lack of engagement in quality learning and a lack of understanding how to do things differently. We are working to eliminate punishment as a tool of control in the school. As we get better at this, children become more truthful about their own actions. Instead of punishment, ideas are shared and plans developed to avoid repeating the negative behavior, which is the ultimate goal. We really notice how far we have come when children arrive from another school. It takes them about six weeks to ‘get it’! A child, who was with us for just a year, stated to his teacher on departure that he was going back to his old school to teach them how not to be bullies. Music to our ears!”

“What about academics?” you ask. Is this one of those schools where kids are “happy,” but very little learning takes place? It’s a fair question and one I asked Barbara. After hearing her talk about how receiving schools described her former students as “respectful,” “responsible,” and “kind,” I asked her specifically if they were described as “academically competent.” As I told Barbara, I wanted to know if Koraunui was succeeding academically with kids, as well as socially and emotionally.

 “Many children arrive at Koraunui well below where we want and expect them to be,” says Barbara. “A child who begins with us behind age expectation is not unusual. I’d say it takes us roughly three years to help most kids reach a level where they are performing academically at or above where they would be expected to achieve. By working hard to ensure our children’s basic needs are being met, that they are not left only in survival mode, academic achievement happens. A good dollop of quality teaching also helps, so the environment of constantly searching for quality in our work is not just for children. All staff …teachers, teacher aides, administration, and caretaking staff work hard to improve personal performance.

“Our success needs to be judged on the rate of progress children are making, not just meeting standardized benchmarks. Many of our children have a much longer road to travel. Now, instead of crawling, they are learning how to run.”

So it’s not just a matter of Koraunui kids being “nice” kids who are academically unprepared. As they move forward, they are perceived as kind, socially competent, responsible, AND academically ready to accept the educational challenges ahead. As Barbara says, “If we can do it at Koraunui, any other school can do it as well. You just need to make a decision, a commitment, and learn a new way to help kids grow and learn. We’re not here to control them. We’re here to assist them in their development as learners, and – more importantly – as people who are part of a community. For us, choice theory has been an indispensable part of our transformation.”

By Bob Sullo. Bob has been an English teacher, school psychologist, school adjustment counselor, and school administrator. Now he is a full time consultant. Bob has written several bookssabout internal control and motivation including, Teach Them To Be Happy, The Inspiring Teacher, Activating the Desire to Learn and The Motivated Student. You can read Bob’s full bio here. Learn more about Bob and his work by visiting his website,www.internalmotivation.net.

 

 

Bob’s latest book now available on Amazon!

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Jan 28, 2012 Posted by In Choice Theory, Educators, Featured Tagged , , , , Comments 2

“5 Strategies to Engage & Inspire” Webinar: Follow-Up Q&A

I received a number of e-mails with questions and comments after my January 9 webinar “5 Strategies to Engage & Inspire Kids to Work Harder in School.” I’d like to take this opportunity to answer a couple of questions. (By the way, you can still access the January 9 session by clicking here.)

One person wrote, “I'm currently completing a master's research project that looks at college and career aspirations and its connect to performance,” followed that by a question about the connection between goals and motivation. (Aside: I’m pretty sure this is the same person who asked a question during the Q&A at the end of the webinar.)

I’ll comment with reference to the choice theory that I introduced during the webinar. The first thing to remember is that all people are internally motivated by what they want. Contrary to the prevailing wisdom, motivation is not something that comes from the outside and it’s not possible to “motivate” another. To use the language of choice theory, if a student has a strong “quality world picture” regarding their future career, they will be motivated to achieve their goal.

A student with a goal isn’t necessarily motivated to do all the things necessary to achieve. In other words, a goal is a necessary, but not sufficient, variable in achieving success. It’s possible for a student to be focused exclusively on the end point (being an engineer, a pilot, the general manager of a professional sports team, a professional dancer, etc.) It’s not unusual, therefore, for students to clearly articulate their aspirations and then behave in ways that aren’t especially helpful in moving them in the right direction. That’s where they can be helped by a positive relationship with a trusted, caring, and knowledgeable adult who can help them discover all the intervening steps between “wanting” (internal motivation) and achieving success. Motivation alone will not ensure success.

Having said that, the absence of motivation almost assuredly guarantees failure. The student who has no future career goals, aspirations, or dreams will be hard-pressed to muster the necessary motivation to succeed in school. Especially when things become difficult, it will be easy for this student to tune out, withdraw academically, and flounder. If they see no connection between their current actions and their future, they will be forever stuck in the “now,” unable to persevere and do things that may be difficult or unpleasant. We’ll accept difficult, even tedious tasks, when we understand that doing them will help us get what we want.

Since a strong want or quality world picture is necessary for people to achieve success, one of my goals as a parent or educator is to help kids develop compelling goals, giving them the best chance to experience success as adults.

Here is a second question/comment: “When my son was young, I had some difficulties with him, so I consulted a child psychologist.  He suggested a behavior chart with external rewards as well as fostering internal rewards.  He said, ‘Would you work if you didn't get a paycheck?’  Isn't a paycheck an external reward? And no I wouldn't work without a paycheck.  Please comment on this theory.”

Two days after I did the webinar for Funderstanding, I conducted a two-hour session for a school just outside of Boston. I was very well paid. I am generally paid for my work. Like many people, I have a house, car, bills, and three kids who attended college. There is nothing about choice theory and what I teach that suggests people shouldn’t be paid for working. However, I spent well over 100 hours preparing for the webinar that I did on January 9 for Funderstanding. I received no money. And I left that experience feeling satisfied, pleased that I had offered something of value, and excited about the second session on March 19. Unless something wholly unexpected happens, I won’t be paid for that one either. And I’ll work just as hard. And I expect to enjoy it just as much.

I don’t think I’m unusual. I suspect many people reading this have given many hours working as a volunteer at a homeless shelter, or their church, or at their child’s school, or helping a neighbor in need, or tutoring a child who is struggling in school, or …..you get the picture. Of course, most of them work and get paid, but they also engage in lots of other work that is not at all connected to any external reward. Not all work brings pay, nor do we want it to.

Then there’s the “underpaid,” those who receive payment but who willingly receive absurdly low pay. I did a workshop for a Catholic high school in Louisiana a couple of years ago. The woman who coordinated the event had been a professional educator for over thirty years, held two advanced degrees, and was the curriculum coordinator for the school. She told me her pay was equal to that of a first-year teacher with a bachelor’s degree working in a local public school. She wasn’t rich. She wasn’t a nun. She was married and had children. And bills. She would gladly have accepted more money, but would never leave her school simply to earn more money, an option that was available to her. She would tell you that she didn’t earn as much money as she would like, but she would never say she was “underpaid.” Money isn’t the only motivator. Money isn’t the only reward.

Have you ever met any high school coaches? These people are usually paid a stipend for helping student athletes develop their skills. Some even get a decent amount. But when you calculate how much they are paid per hour, you discover that these men and women would earn considerably more money if they stocked shelves at the local grocery store. As coaches, they put in long hours for relatively low pay. While they appreciate the pay and may even “demand” the pay, they coach for much more than the money they earn. They are internally driven by a desire to help young athletes grow and develop. Coaching on the high school level is another obvious example of people who are paid but who don’t “work for pay.” I’m sure you know of many others.

Why do we do this? Because work is one way to lead a meaningful, purposeful life. When we engage in work without pay, we still are “rewarded,” but the reward is internal. It feels good and helps us satisfy one or more of the needs identified in choice theory (love/belonging, power/competence, freedom, fun, safety/survival.)

About twenty-five years ago, my wife and I built a small shed in our back yard to store our bikes, lawn furniture, the lawn mower, etc. I am no carpenter. Neither is my wife. But we did a pretty good job and were pleased with our success. When my parents saw it and commented on how well it came out (much to my father’s surprise, I might add), my wife and I offered to build a shed for them. We didn’t get paid, but it was a joyful and wholly worthwhile experience. Through unpaid hard work, I satisfied the needs for love/belonging (with my parents), for competence (by building something that was well constructed and fully functional), and for fun (Choice theory teaches us that whenever we learn something new, we have fun. This experience certainly included a lot of new learning.)

I can’t remember where I got this so I can’t credit the source, but I read something once that went something like, “Unless the job means more than the pay, it will never pay anything more.” (I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this, but I think I might have read it on a Salada tea bag!)

Those who believe we “work for pay” are both stating the obvious and missing the point. I hope to continue to work and be well compensated for years to come. At the same time, I hope I never reach a point where I’m simply “working for pay.” The day that happens is the day I have been overpaid, regardless of the amount I receive.

All parents need to figure out how to raise their kids. It’s not my job to tell another parent what to do. But I am quite reluctant to offer a child a tangible reward for appropriate behavior. As soon as I link those two, the child naturally focuses on the reward as opposed to focusing on what is more important: appropriate behavior. Appropriate behavior gets downgraded to something that “must be done” to get what is worthwhile: the tangible reward. My wife and I wanted our kids to value appropriate behavior for its own sake, not because they “got something” by behaving appropriately.

We knew that our children would be out of our sight and out of our direct influence much of the time: in school, on the playground, at the mall, away at college, etc. Even if we weren’t there to “catch them being good,” ready with a tangible reward, we still wanted them to behave appropriately. Children who are routinely given an external reward for appropriate behavior are far less likely to internalize the values we want them to internalize and are far less likely to behave appropriately when the external reward is removed. As parents, we certainly didn’t want that for our three children. Now that they are all adults and living on their own, my wife and I are most proud of the fact that we raised three kids who internalized the values that we cared about most as a family. I have my share of regrets, but I certainly don’t regret raising our children based on the principles of choice theory. I don’t just teach and write about these ideas. I do my best to live them.

Thanks to everyone who asked follow-up questions, making the webinar more personal and interactive. I hope you have found these comments interesting and useful.

By Bob Sullo. Bob has been an English teacher, school psychologist, school adjustment counselor, and school administrator. Now he is a full time consultant. Bob has written several bookssabout internal control and motivation including, Teach Them To Be Happy, The Inspiring Teacher, Activating the Desire to Learn and The Motivated Student. You can read Bob’s full bio here. Learn more about Bob and his work by visiting his website,www.internalmotivation.net.

Bob’s latest book now available on Amazon!

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Jan 17, 2012 Posted by In Choice Theory, Educators, Featured, Parents Tagged , , , , Comments 0

Giving Kids What They Need

kids needs

The holiday season is upon us and kids everywhere are telling parents what they want. For a moment, let’s focus on what your kids truly need to be happy. It won’t cost you a dime. It only requires time and effort to raise your kids to be happy, responsible, and productive.

Here are the things your kids really need:

• Love & Belonging. Every child needs to be loved and to develop a strong sense of connection within the family. Make sure your home is a place where every family member feels loved and connected, not only during the holiday season, but throughout the year. You undoubtedly love your kids. Do you regularly show them how much they mean to you?
• Power & Competence. Everyone wants to feel successful. Help your kids develop competence. Kids who don’t feel competent and successful are more likely to engage in power struggles with you or be mean, especially to younger siblings. Kids gain power and competence by …

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Dec 21, 2011 Posted by In Featured, Gurus, Intro to Choice Theory Tagged , Comments 1

Motivation Comes From Within

In “Choice Theory,”  I state “Choice Theory contends that we are internally motivated, not externally motivated by rewards and punishment.” A reader recently suggested that I was naïve to suggest that we are not motivated by rewards and punishments. I’d like to take the opportunity to better explain what I mean when I say that we aren’t motivated by rewards and punishments. I hope an example will help.

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Nov 11, 2011 Posted by In Rewards - External vs. Internal Motivation Tagged , , Comments 1

Testosterone, Aggression, and the Power to Change

I came upon a study recently that caught my eye for three separate – but related – reasons: first, the study was fascinating in and of itself; second, it provided even more evidence that the concept of “total behavior” proposed by William Glasser is valid; and third, it offers potential avenues of intervention when we are faced with unwanted aggressive behavior in school like bullying. …

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Sep 23, 2011 Posted by In Choice Theory, Featured, Gurus Tagged , Comments 0

What We Can Learn From Finland

I came across a fascinating article that was published in the September issue of Smithsonian.com entitled “Why Are Finland’s Schools Successful?” With schools across the USA just beginning a new year, it seems like a good time to reflect upon what factors are involved in school success. I encourage you to read the full article, but here are a few points that got my attention along with my editorial comments:

  • Finland is one of many countries that participate in the Programme for International Student Assessment. PISA is a standardized test given to 15-year-olds in more than 40 venues around the world. In 2000, Finnish students were identified as the most successful readers tested. In 2003, they earned the top scores in math. In 2006, they were number one in science. The 2009 PISA scores placed Finland second in science, third in reading, and sixth in math among the nearly half million students who were tested around the world.
  • In contrast, the United States routinely scores in the middle of the pack. Our effort to improve education in America is founded on the premise that competition is good and the key to educational excellence. Race To The Top is the current prime example of pitting schools against each other. (One of the things that always amazes me is that those who champion competition in education forget that for every “winner,” there is a corresponding “loser.” How can systemically creating “losers” help us improve education?)
  • Despite lip-service paid to the importance of “the whole child” and the ASCD Whole Child initiative that actively seeks to define successful education as more than good test scores, the USA is currently focused almost exclusively on how well students do on flawed and largely unhelpful standardized tests. How would such a narrow approach play in test-successful Finland? “If you only measure the statistics, you miss the human aspect,” says Timo Heikkinen, a Helsinki principal with 24 years of teaching experience. That simple sentence is packed with wisdom.
  • Standardized tests rule in “middle of the pack” USA. What about in Finland? Their PISA scores are certainly impressive. Surely, they must continually test and measure their students to be sure they are on the right track. And their students must be tested regularly, keeping them in good “test shape” so they can blow away their competition, right? No. There is only one mandatory standardized test in Finland. It comes at the end of a student’s senior year. Schools aren’t ranked. They aren’t compared to each other. Hmmm. Maybe our testing frenzy isn’t particularly helpful if the goal is to help kids learn. (Then again, tests are a great way to rank and sort and create winners and losers. Guess it comes down to what we want (as opposed to what we say we want.)
  • While we focus on test results, in Finland the emphasis is on learning. “We prepare children to learn how to learn, not how to take a test,” said Pasi Sahlberg, a former math and physics teacher who is now in Finland’s Ministry of Education and Culture. “We are not much interested in PISA. It’s not what we are about.” Compare that orientation to the celebratory comments by school leaders in the USA when they manage to make AYP! (Maybe it’s not “celebratory” as much as a well deserved sigh of relief because they have eluded the test police for another year.)
  • “But,” you wonder, “do students in Finland complete high school? Are the figures skewed because lots of kids drop out of school before any testing is done?” In Finland, 93% of students graduate from either an academic or vocational high school. That’s 17.5% more than in the USA. (Note: I find it fascinating that Finland seems to value vocational education. In the USA, if students elect not to attend college, they are frequently perceived as failures. In Finland, kids who are less academically inclined aren’t devalued.)
  • “Maybe they’re rich and spend lots of money on education! That’s it. It’s a money thing.” Nope. Finland spends about 30% less per student than we spend in the USA. While it’s tempting to believe that more money equals better education, it’s not that simple.
  • “OK. I think I know what’s going on. In Finland, the kids must start earlier, put in more time, and have a rigorous academic curriculum. Our kids suffer because the school day and the school year are too short. That’s just common sense.” Sorry. No dice. Teachers in Finland spend less time in school than their American counterparts. Kids spend much more time outside. Playing! Not much homework is assigned. And compulsory education doesn’t begin until age seven! While we have made our early childhood experiences horrendously academic, Finland’s orientation towards early childhood education is expressed by teacher and principal Kari Louhivuori: “We have no hurry. Children learn better when they are ready. Why stress them out?” So what exactly is Finland doing while we focus on testing and the creation of high standards and a national curriculum? Let’s see. Kids begin school later. They spend more time outside. Play is encouraged. The emphasis is on learning, not doing well on the test. (Paradoxically, when the emphasis is on learning, the kids do wonderfully well on the tests. And teachers don’t need to have pizza parties to “fix” student answers like was done in Atlanta!) Teachers are required to earn a master’s degree and are well compensated. Rather than adopting a national curriculum, Finland has only broad guidelines. Teachers and principals are given wide latitude and autonomy, based on the belief that they know better than anyone what each child needs. Rather than a top-down, Race To The Top-like system based on the principles of external control, local educators are the key decision-makers. The results are best expressed by Kari Louhivuori : “We have our own motivation to succeed because we love the work. Our incentives come from inside.” Will we ever learn?

 

By Bob Sullo. Bob has been an English teacher, school psychologist, school adjustment counselor, and school administrator. Now he is a full time consultant. Bob has written several books about internal control and motivation including, Teach Them To Be Happy, The Inspiring Teacher, Activating the Desire to Learn and The Motivated Student. You can read Bob’s full bio here. Learn more about Bob and his work by visiting his website, www.internalmotivation.net

Bob’s latest book now available on Amazon!

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Sep 6, 2011 Posted by In Educators, Featured Tagged , , , , Comments 0

Giving “Tickets” for Appropriate Behavior

I had an interesting conversation with a group of elementary school teachers recently. Their school uses a “ticket” system to reward students for appropriate behavior as they make their way around the school. Teachers are posted around the school and dole out tickets when they observe students behaving appropriately. Tickets can then be exchanged for goodies at the school store. Interestingly, tickets aren’t given for exemplary academic behavior. When I asked why tickets aren’t used in the academic arena, the teachers told me, “It’s like you say in Activating the Desire to Learn and The Motivated Student: giving kids an external reward for learning unintentionally sends the message that learning isn’t inherently valuable.

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Aug 30, 2011 Posted by In Educators, Featured Tagged , ,
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