The 3 Magic Words are “help me understand.” These 3 words have the power to turn a difficult conversation into a much less difficult one. They might not seem so powerful now. But think about it, and try it out, and you’ll find their magic.

Some fundamentals first. Let’s make some obvious statements about how to deal with a difficult conversation:

• don’t accuse the other person
• don’t assume the other person made the mistake – maybe you have the facts wrong
• focus on the problem, not the person

If you begin the conversation by saying ‘help me understand’ you immediately begin the conversation by listening. You avoid the problem of blaming. And you make it clear that you generally want to understand what is going on. An example will help….

Let’s say you are dealing with a student who is disrupting class. Your immediate reaction is ‘How could you have done this for the 3rd time!”. The the student stares back in silence. As an alternative, let’s say you start the conversation instead with “Help me understand what’s going on back there – I hear more talking than I’d like.” The student might then reply that he was having trouble hearing and was asking another student for help. You avoided blaming. Or, the student might reply that he was sorry – your approach allowed him to hear what you were saying, and not that you were being harsh.

The use of the 3 Magic Words change the direction of the conversation. They prepare you to listen and help you to not assume. They also make it safer for the other party to admit failure. All good stuff. And this promotes better learning. They assure that you focus on improving the situation, and not in staking your claim to being right. 

This has application to relationships, management, and of course, teaching. As teachers it is important to use the 3 Magic Words for example, when a student disappoints. If a student surprises you by not paying attention for example, start by showing the empathy that comes from them. See if that improves your listening, and the respect you get from your students. 

Thoughts?

“…in navigating our lives, it is our fears and envies, our rages and depressions, our worries and anxieties that steer us day to day. Even the most
academically brilliant among us are vulnerable to being undone by unruly emotions. The price we pay for emotional literacy is in failed marriages and troubled families, in stunted social and work lives, in deteriorating physical health and mental anguish and, as a society, in tragedies such as killings…”

Goleman attests that the best remedy for battling our emotional shortcomings is preventive medicine. In other words, we need to place as much importance on teaching our children the essential skills of Emotional Intelligence as we do on more traditional measures like IQ and GPA.

Exactly what is Emotional Intelligence? The term encompasses the following five characteristics and abilities:

1. Self-awareness–knowing your emotions, recognizing feelings as they occur, and discriminating between them
2. Mood management–handling feelings so they’re relevant to the current situation and you react appropriately
3. Self-motivation–”gathering up” your feelings and directing yourself towards a goal, despite self-doubt, inertia, and impulsiveness
4. Empathy–recognizing feelings in others and tuning into their verbal and nonverbal cues
5. Managing relationships–handling interpersonal interaction, conflict resolution, and negotiations

Why Do We Need Emotional Intelligence?

Research in brain-based learning suggests that emotional health is fundamental to effective learning. According to a report from the National Center for Clinical Infant Programs, the most critical element for a student’s success in school is an understanding of how to learn. (Emotional Intelligence, p. 193.)

The key ingredients for this understanding are:

• Confidence

• Curiosity

• Intentionality

• Self-control

• Relatedness

• Capacity to communicate

• Ability to cooperate

These traits are all aspects of Emotional Intelligence. Basically, a student who learns to learn is much more apt to succeed. Emotional Intelligence has proven a better predictor of future success than traditional methods like the GPA, IQ, and standardized test scores.

Hence, the great interest in Emotional Intelligence on the part of corporations, universities, and schools nationwide. The idea of Emotional Intelligence has inspired research and curriculum development throughout these facilities. Researchers have concluded that people who manage their own feelings well and deal effectively with others are more likely to live content lives. Plus, happy people are more apt to retain information and do so more effectively than dissatisfied people.

Building one’s Emotional Intelligence has a lifelong impact. Many parents and educators, alarmed by increasing levels of conflict in young schoolchildren–from low self-esteem to early drug and alcohol use to depression, are rushing to teach students the skills necessary for Emotional Intelligence. And in corporations, the inclusion of Emotional Intelligence in training programs has helped employees cooperate better and motivate more, thereby increasing productivity and profits.

“Emotional Intelligence is a master aptitude, a capacity that profoundly affects all other abilities, either facilitating or interfering with them.”–Daniel Goleman,
Emotional Intelligence, p. 80.